Tonight I was looking around for stuff to print on my new printer and I found an old email I wrote sometime in 1998. It's still good advice and I'd like to get it printed in Shape magazine:

If you are a newcomer to working out, you may be confused by all the different advice magazines, personal trainers, co-workers have been giving you. Lift light? Lift heavy? Cardio? Protiein or carbs? Who do you listen to? Hahahahaha!!!! Life is crazy isn't it?

Anyway, here's my 7-point plan for shedding that excess weight that keeps you from sleeping with underwear models. Burn fat, gain muscle, save money and time!

1. When you get to the gym, jump behind the counter and wrestle the attendant for 10 minutes. This is a good cardio warm-up and a great way to get to know the people who work at your gym.

2. Move the weight machines around the gym for ten minutes. Push it real good! Feel it in your legs and lower back.

3. If your gym has a pool, go there and start pushing people into the pool for 15 minutes. Probally wrestle attendant again.

4. Find the largest body builders in the free weights area of the gym. Lick leftover creatine and protein powder off his or her hands. Creatine is expensive, saves you money!

5. Take a good, long look at the person in the gym who has what you think is a perfect physique. Now take a hard look at yourself and your physical faults. Feel like a big loser? Well you are!!! A big, fat loser- cause intense self-loathing burns 45 calories an hour!!!

6. Ok, time for a shower! Use the twenty-pound bar of soap.

7. Using barbells, lunge all the way home. Feel the burn in your buttocks as you near your home. You did good! Real good!

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